How to discipline tantrums?

[Scottish Joan]

My 7yr old daughter is really, really bad for taking temper tantrums if she doesn't win whilst playing video games or she doesn't get her own way.

But, I cannot get my discipline methods to work, they just make her worse and also cry very loudly (she cries to much for her age imho).

I have tried the naughty step, grounding her, loss of privelages and early bedtimes but none of these have worked .

[kimzz]

Hi I hope this helps

let her scream once she realizes that you are not going to give into her her methods wont work but the main thing is to stick to it if she has a temper tantrum take the game away from her. and tell her that it will be put away for a day and tell her why and if she screams the house down let her continue but don't cave in and also don't reward bad behaviour. children are smarter that what people give them credit for.


Good luck

[linsaa fdc]

Hi,
I agree with Kimzz, at 7 years old I would be packing the games away and when the behaviour is back in check it can slowly come out or just on the weekends.
I set up my play station for the few schoolies I have in care, 6+8+9 year olds, put an egg timer so there is no dispute over who has it longer but they just argued. They argued in the morning that they wanted to play it [and they weren't allowed in the mornings] and as soon as we got in the car in the afternoon. So it was unplugged and put away and we have had peace ever since. Is Miss 7 an only child? Or are there siblings?

[Scottish Joan]

No, she is an only child.

[Lorina]

I was just reading about "active listening" and I just thought about you and the tantrums you're having with your child. Why don't you try active listening. It's a communication strategy to help you and your child to communicate with one another. When you "actively listen" you help your child solve their problems by listening and repeating back what they are telling you (in your own words).

Here is an example of a conversation of a mother and her child:

ANTHONY: Matteo won't play with me today. He won't ever do what I want to do.
MOTHER: Well, why don't you offer to do what he wants to do? You've got to learn to get along with your friends. [ADVISING, MORALIZING.]
ANTHONY: I do not like to do things he wants to do, and besides I do not want to get along with him!
MOTHER: Well, go find someone else to play with then if you are going to be a brat. [OFFERING A SOLUTION; NAME-CALLING.]
ANTHONY: He is the brat, not me. And there is not anyone else to play with.
MOTHER: You are just upset because you are tired. You will feel better about this tomorrow. [INTERPRETING, REASSURING.]
ANTHONY: I am not tired, and I won't feel different tomorrow. You do not understand how much I hate him.
MOTHER: Now stop talking like that! If I ever hear you talk about one of your friends like that again, you will be sorry. [ORDERING, THREATENING.]
ANTHONY: (walking away and sulking): I hate this place. I wish we would move.

Now the same conversation with the mother using "Active Listening":

ANTHONY: Matteo will not play with me today. He will not ever do what I want to do.
MOTHER: You're kind-of angry with Matteo.
ANTHONY: Yeah. I never want to play with him again. He's not my friend anymore.
MOTHER: You're so angry you feel like never seeing him again.
ANTHONY: That's right. But if he's not my friend, I won't have anyone to play with then.
MOTHER: You would hate to be left with no one.
ANTHONY: Yeah. I guess I just have to get along with him somehow. But it's hard for me to stop getting mad at him.
MOTHER: You want to get along better but it's hard for you to keep from getting mad at Matteo.
ANTHONY: I never used to, but that's when he always did what I wanted to do. He won't let me boss him anymore.
MOTHER: Matteo doesn't always go along with what you want anymore.
ANTHONY: No... He's not such a baby now. He is more fun though.
MOTHER: You really like him better this way.
ANTHONY: Yeah. But it is hard to stop bossing him. I am so used to it. Maybe we wouldn't fight so much if I let him have his way once in a while. Think that would work?
MOTHER: You're thinking that if you might give in occasionally, it might help.
ANTHONY: Yeah... maybe it would. I'll try it.

In the first version, the mother used eight of the 12 Communication Roadblocks. In the second, the mother consistently used Active Listening. In the first, the mother "took over the problem"; in the second, her Active Listening kept ownership of the problem with Anthony. In the first, Anthony resisted his mother's suggestions, his anger and frustration were never dissipated, the problem remained unresolved, and there was no growth on Anthony's part. In the second, his anger left, he initiated problem-solving, and he took a deeper look at himself. He arrived at his own solution and obviously grew a notch toward becoming a responsible, self-directing problem-solver.

Ref: Active Listening Skills

I really think you should try this and see if this helps you to deal with your daughters tantrums. The "active listening" technique may be a little hard to adjust to at first but you'll get better at it and I'm sure it may help you communicate with your daughter.

Here is some more information:

Active Listening For Parents

Hope this helps,

,
Lorina

[Scottish Joan]

She took a big tantrum today (in public which was really, really embarrasing) because I took her down town to get a new jacket (she wants to use her school jacket for daily use but me and DH want her to keep that only for school).

I took her into a store with DH and explained that she had a choice of 3-4 jackets in that store (I was in the store yesterday so knew which 4 to show her), showed her the choices but she started to cry really loud and stamped her feet on floor screaming at daddy "I DON'T WANT A NEW COAT!".

DH said to her "if you don't choose then mummy will", she groaned at him and wandered off outside, still crying, so DH said to me "pick one yourself and take it home ok", so I chose a jacket for her and took it home, showed it to Rhona and put it on her but she threw it on ground shouting "I HATE THAT COAT!!". DH picked her up and put her into bed and said very angrily to her "you do not throw your new coat on floor, so stay in bed until dinnertime, if you hadn't taken a tantrum in the shop then you'd have gotten to choose so you ARE wearing the new coat outwith School if you like it or not!!".

How did me and DH handle that situation, could we have done anything differently?

[linsaa fdc]

Just a question, does your daughter have any learning difficulties or diagnosed behaviour isues? I don't mean to insult but trying to get a better picture.
If not then I would personally, for my own child not FDC children, I would have done the same as her Dad did. Don't give all this silly behaviour so much attention. She is not 2 she is 7 and fully understands what is going on. If she doesn't wear her jacket when its cold outside then there is no outside. If she is having tantrums at the shops then she stays home with dad and you go to the shops by yourself later at night. If she doesn't look after her things then they are packed away until she can. Children often do to parents what they don't do for others. Is this behaviour she is showing the same for her Dad, Teachers, Grandparents?

[Scottish Joan]

Just a question, does your daughter have any learning difficulties or diagnosed behaviour isues? I don't mean to insult but trying to get a better picture.
If not then I would personally, for my own child not FDC children, I would have done the same as her Dad did. Don't give all this silly behaviour so much attention. She is not 2 she is 7 and fully understands what is going on. If she doesn't wear her jacket when its cold outside then there is no outside. If she is having tantrums at the shops then she stays home with dad and you go to the shops by yourself later at night. If she doesn't look after her things then they are packed away until she can. Children often do to parents what they don't do for others. Is this behaviour she is showing the same for her Dad, Teachers, Grandparents?

Thats ok, your not being insulting.

No, she doesn't have learning difficulties or behaviour issues.

She does behave for her grandparents but acts same with daddy as she does for me so she takes tantrums for him which makes him angry.

She is normally well behaved for her teachers but occassionally takes temper tantrums with him as well when she decides that he is wrong to ask her to fasten her jacket up which he does when its raining because he doesn't like kids coming into his classroom with soaking wet uniforms.

[Lorina]

The only thing I would suggest is that tell her of your plans before you go to buy the jacket so she knows what to expect. You could get her excited "I found 3 jackets for you to try and you could pick which one you'd like to wear". Then you could ask her questions like what colour, etc. Since you already had chosen the three you could describe them to her so she can also get interested. Doing this may have avoided the tantrum in public. Even if she would of still had the tantrum it would of been at home...

Children often act differently with parents compared to their teachers etc. I guess with parents they know how to manipulate and which buttons to push. With a teacher it's different, different expectations, different situation. Children are clever like that!

,
Lorina