A 12 month old that isn't settling into care.

[linsaa fdc]

Hi Everyone,
I hope I have posted this into the right area. I really need some input from Educators that have experienced a similar situation and have overcome it.
I have been an Educator for 17 years in Family Day Care and have never had this problem before. I have a new 12 month old that is in his 2nd week of care. I always get new families to come and visit at least 3 times so the child is familiar with my environment and with me. My new very nice family came 5 times and there was not a problem with the little boy. Upon starting care he is so distressed its not funny. He doesn't want to be comforted or cuddled, if I pick him up when he cries he literally goes hysterical and tries to push himself to the ground. When other parents arrive to drop off and pick up he is hysterical again and there is no consoling him, he spends nearly all his waking hours crying which breaks my heart the poor little guy. He does funnily enough eat for me and sleep for me, which he doesn't always do for his Mum she said.
I am really concerned that this will become a habit if we can't get things sorted soon.
Please everyone, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, his Dad and I will try everything.
Thanks
Linsaa fdc

[Lorina]

Hi Linsaa,

Has he got a comforter that he can bring from home that can be used to help settle him? What about a familiar song you can sing to him when he gets unsettled? Is it possible to get a photo of his parents which he can hold?

How is his routine in the morning during transition? Is he fine or unsettled as well? Is he rushed to come to care in the morning at home? Maybe you could work out a routine from home to care with his parents so he knows what to expect on the days coming to care.

It sounds like it's his first time in care... Give him some time to adjust and he will get used to it and settle within a week or so. When he is distressed just let him be since he doesn't want you to cuddle or comfort him but be with him and let him know verbally that you're there to take care of him until mummy comes.

What is he interested in? Can you have these types of activities available so he can come and play with them?

These suggestions are probably nothing new to you, I'm just throwing ideas out there...

,
Lorina

[linsaa fdc]

Hi Lorina,
Thanks for your reply. It doesn't matter how long we do our jobs for we still need to bounce things off someone else, especially in FDC where we are on our own. Mum has just gone back to work and didn't want to stop his mid day breast feed off to sleep a few weeks ago like I asked even though I told her this is going to make things very difficult. He doesn't have anything he uses for comfort except for the breast. He has gone from Mum being at home and doing the morning routine to her leaving really early and Dad having to organize him and his 4year old brother and get them to me. Dad is frazzled and says bub goes from zero to a frenzy ...literally...for no apparent reason at home too and he can't handle it so he goes and lets Mum deal with it, which doesn't help either of us because Mum is at work 3 days a week now. After lots of thought last night and actually dreaming about it, it was on my mind so much, I text Dad this morning and asked him to bring their pram. Bub screamed when Dad pulled up in the driveway and when he left, didn't want to be held, didn't want toys so I put him in his pram and he settled quite well. Still had the occasional sniffle but he was fine. I don't like putting a little in a pram but if it's the only way he can feel safe then that is what I will keep doing till hopefully he adjusts.
Thanks
Linsaa fdc

[Lorina]

Hi Linsaa,

No wonder bub is unsettled, a lot of changes are happening within the family as mum goes back to work, stopping breast feeding and everything else in between. Does he have a bottle to replace the breast? It helps tremendously and gives them another option to use. I only recently stopped breast feeding my toddler at 22 months old. She transitioned very well as she understood what and why it was happening. For now she has a bottle as a replacement only at sleep time, all other times she uses a cup! Also I was just thinking did mum use a pillow/blanket of some sort during feeding? Maybe they can bring that along to help him settle. My toddler likes laying on her feeding pillow when she is unsettled/upset. It's a good idea about the pram, at last you have found something to comfort him. For the first week you can use it however, after the second maybe try and use it less often so he doesn't get too attached to it. You don't have to worry bout that now. Just get him settled and into a routine in the next couple of weeks then you can start using the pram less often!

Hope all is going well!

Cheers,
Lorina

[linsaa fdc]

Hi Lorina,
No bottle either, he has a drink of milk out of a cup, so there is nothing I can use for him to hold. I will ask this afternoon if she used a feeding pillow, that's a good idea.
Today I got the dad to bring him through the front entry rather than the FDC driveway entry. He screamed yesterday as soon as they pulled up in the FDC driveway and I don't want him to associate arriving and crying through that door, so when he settles they can come through the FDC entry and hopefully he will be ok....if that makes any sense.
On interview I told the Mum we are going to have a real settling situation. I don't like to judge, but if that was my baby I would do whatever I could so he would adjust to care beforehand, including the feeding, Mum still feeds him off to sleep and doesn't want to stop that at home. Anyway today we only used the pram when he arrived in the morning, he worked himself into a frenzy when all the parents arrived and it took him 30minutes to settle down, then he let me sit him on my lap for the rest of the morning session. This is a huge step forward.
Thanks for your input
Linsaa fdc

[linsaa fdc]

Update; we had a really good afternoon yesterday. I didn't have to use the pram to settle him, but his pram was in my fdc area and occasionally he would crawl over to it and sit their next to it and play. When the parents started arriving he got really upset again but he let me hold him. It has been a really hard week, having 11.5 hour days and a very distressed baby but by Thursday afternoon I see light at the end of the tunnel.
Mum doesn't use a feeding pillow either so the pram it seems is the only option to comfort and settle him till he wants to come to me for cuddles and comfort...poor little darling... he has such a heart breaking cry.
Thanks
Linsaa fdc

[Lorina]

11 and a half hour days! My goodness that's really long! All these changes happening so suddenly! How do you get him to sleep? Seriously they could of gradually started his hours rather than being such a long day for him! No wonder he is so upset! Even though, seems like he is adjusting to it and getting use to you as well which is the most important bond right now! Also seems like he is missing his mum as he screams when others come to pick up their kids... Really unfair on this poor little bub! You're doing well Linsaa! Be positive and calm!

,
Lorina

[linsaa fdc]

Thanks Lorina

[linsaa fdc]

I get him to sleep by letting him play outside with the other kids till he is really tired. Then we wash up, eat and by then he is exhausted. I put him in his cot and by the time I get to the Day Care room he is asleep, which is good because Mum feeds him to sleep. The first few days I had him I didn't do the above and he made himself sick crying and wouldn't settle at all.
Thanks
Linsaa fdc

[Lorina]

So you're able to put him to sleep without him needing to be fed and it seems like he is able to settle himself to sleep! That's pretty good considering his mum feeds him to sleep. He has made that adjustment which is a huge step! Have you spoken to mum about cutting down his feeds before sleep since he is able to settle himself to sleep?

[linsaa fdc]

Hi Lorina,
Been really sick this past week so now I will have to start from scratch with the little guy tomorrow.
I spoke to mum about it during her visits before care started and she made it clear that she wasn't going to change any of his breast feeds, even though I was clear as to the trouble it was going to cause. When his older brother started care a couple of years ago they couldn't get him to sleep during the day and on the first day of care and ever since he sleeps for me.
I don't know what goes through some parents minds, they are a lovely family and with everything else they work with me except this one.
Have a great week
Linsaa fdc

[Lorina]

Hi Linsaa,

Hope you're feeling better! Hopefully the little bub will be alright from tomorrow... It's almost been a couple of weeks so he should know what to expect. Regarding mums feeding, at least he doesn't seem to need it when going to sleep for you. Since he gets tired on his own through play, he just falls asleep in your care. It would be a lot more difficult if he couldn't sleep at all without mums feeds so that's a big positive. There are many benefits feeding for longer than a year so I can understand that mum doesn't want to change feeds however I just feel like it's a little confusing for the child. You know, he has it or he doesn't! I went cold turkey when I stopped my feeds and I think it worked well for me rather than gradually... Maybe mum feels she may lose that special time and bond with her bub when stopping. I kinda felt the same but my little one can't sleep without me singing to her and hugging her until she sleeps off. Each to their own... We all have are different parenting styles. What works for others we may not necessarily agree with but I guess that makes each family unique!

Have a great week ahead and get well!

,
Lorina

[linsaa fdc]

Hi Lorina,
Thanks, not 100% but back at work today. The little man was back to day 1, which I thought would happen so today we start all over again.

QR_BBPOST Maybe mum feels she may lose that special time and bond with her bub when stopping.

I agree with your comment above, but if you have no choice but to go back to work it has to be what is best for the baby.
I wouldn't want mine to be so distressed during the day.
Anyway we will get there and he will eventually get better.
Linsaa fdc

[linsaa fdc]

Hi,
On Thursday 21/5 I wrote in bubs book that we have to get the non stop screaming sorted as my husband is home and not working due to illness and the screaming is literally driving him crazy, it was a matter of sorting it out or I have to give them notice it was that bad. The family then realized that they need to work on the behaviour from their end....... as I had mentioned on numerous visits before care started. The other children in my care were irritable and arguing with each other, parents were not signing and getting out of my house as quick as possible because of the non stop screaming. The following Monday dad stayed for an hour and played with him then left and he was fine until other parents arrived in the afternoon. Tuesday the same thing, dad stayed and played with him then left and he was even better. Thursday came around and dad stayed again, but today he didn't cry not even when the parents arrived in the afternoon. Literally 1 week and he is a totally different child. He is singing, smiling, playing and sitting on my lap when he wants cuddles. If only they had listened in the first place but at least now we have a happy little boy......yay
Linsaa fdc

[linsaa fdc]

P.S, we still have his pram here because that is the closest thing to a blanket or comfort item, but we hardly use it now.

[Lorina]

What a difference when the parents actually co-operate!! I'm so happy to hear that this little one is content and has really settled into care! Good on you for putting your foot down and making the parents realise that they need to support their child and you! Better late than never!

Awesome news!

,
Lorina