A Problem with a Mum

[cloud]

hi everyone.I am working in baby room. we have some parent visiting along lunch time.K's mum came at lunch time that day. she made K cry. she had to hold him and fed. I added mashed vege in everyone's bowl. the mum said when he finished what in his bowl，but I had put in his bowl，then the boy cried again. I said:'K， be nice to your mum，she saved time to see you.'but he still cried. then the mum said:'I am leaving because you cry.'then put the child on chair and left. the kid made big screaming. I told him：'K it is ok. your mum will come back，have you lunch.'he still cried. my room leader told me he starts throwing tantrum at home. when he can not get things he wants，he throws him on floor and cries. we decide ignor thisbehavior. so today when he did this，I put him on cushion:'ok，when you ready you can come back.' this is we usually do to get chn calm down.K couldn't stop cry. the student tried to comfort him. I told her please leave him. about five minutes later，the mum came back and picked chn from cushion. K stopped cry in mum's arm，but didn't want lunch.After a little while，the mum said she would go，but she would put the kid in the office to comfort him. few minutes later After she left，the child came back with cracker in his hand.the lady passed him to me，he was calm，I fed him few lunch and put him in bed. he went down soon.after my lunch I got feedback from my roomlead. she said the mum was not happy I put the child on cushion，she felt her child was not caring.
I would like to know what I did wrong?

sorry bit hurry in morning，do not check my writing.

[linsaa fdc]

Hi Cloud,

How old is K?

[cloud]

K is 17 months

[linsaa fdc]

Poor little boy, it sounds like he doesn't know whether he is coming or going. Does mum work nearby or at the centre because it seems that she pops in a lot and is he new to the centre? 17months is still so little. I personally do not put any child on a cushion but if that is what your room leader and yourself has found the only thing that settles him then that is what you have to do. What is your centre's policy on the matter of putting a 17 month old on a cushion? I would talk to the mother and work with her as I'm sure she wants her baby to be happy and settled during the day. Ask her what she does at home when he gets upset, if she says she can't settle him at home then reassure her that you can both work together to help the little guy. With some children the mum coming and going is too much, maybe he thinks because mum is there it is his time to go home.
Linsaa fdc

[cloud]

hi Linsaa，Thank you reply me. the boy has been in our centre for one year. the mum's office is very close the center. so she always visits around lunch time. it is very common that the boy doesn't eat lunch when mum comes. separation always makes him cry. recently the mum tells the room leader that the boy starts tantrum at home. mum tries not react. the room leader says we should do same. this is the background about this issue.so I think actually the mum over reacted.

[vhat]

I would be telling the mother it is not appropriate for her to be coming at lunchtime as it is too distressing for the child.

[Lorina]

It's a hard situation. I understand why you put the child on a cushion. He was throwing a tantrum and instead of holding him while he throws a tantrum you put him on a cushion until he stops. I personally don't see anything wrong with it. However, when you put him on the cushion, you should be right near him and say firmly "when you stop, I'll give you a cuddle". Then hopefully this will make him stop quicker then you can give him a cuddle and move on... The problem could be that the parent is making the child confused by coming during lunch but it's not our right to tell the parent it's inappropriate for them to come and see their child. If a parent wants to spend time with their child they should be able to. It's our duty to formulate a routine for the child and parent to make the transition from lunch easier for both the child and parent. After lunch, can the parent put their child to sleep before leaving, or read the child a story to help him to settle... You need to come up with a routine and stick with it each day and overtime the child will know what is happening during lunch time...

Hope this helps,

,
Lorina

[Janiedaniel]

hii everyone ,
Its nature to throw tantrum if he is frustrated , you only need to take care of him and do things to delight his mood ,something entertaining may help alot.
Regards Janie Daniel

[Lorina]

hii everyone , Its nature to throw tantrum if he is frustrated , you only need to take care of him and do things to delight his mood ,something entertaining may help alot.

Yes, it is very common for young children to throw tantrums. It's there way of saying that they are angry/frustrated. Since they can't use words to express how they feel, they result to tantrums. If you feel a tantrum coming on, the best thing to do is try and divert their attention to try and stop it. You'll notice the signs such as whinging, saying "no", begin to cry... Take the child out of the current environment and try to distract them. If you're inside take the child outside, look at the clouds find some birds etc, This may help stop the tantrum from occurring in the first place.

,
Lorina

[stavridis]

I totally disagree with distracting . Why should we distract? Because it's the adults that are uncomfortable with those feelings . What the child needs is someone to be with them and their feelings. Simply be there, acknowledge and name what we see.
We don't need to step in unless they are hurting someone or themselves .
The child is confused who is in charge when Mum is at the center.
A discussion needs to take place with mum and decide when she comes is she in charge or the staff and let her know about centers practices so she can be consistent .Janet Lansbury has many books about dealing with children's emotions and great advice.
Children that are having big emotions need as more and we need to be the bigger stronger and wiser ones

[stavridis]

Why do educators distract? It starts with babies who cry and an educator quickly gets a toy to shake in their face or sing a song to distract them from their real emotions which cause more confusion .
If you as an adult where sad and crying and then someone starting to sing happily in your face how would you feel? Where is the respect for out feelings? Should it be different for babies?

[Laiorwyn]

I agree, we have to have respect for the child and give them the chance to learn and develop.
If the child is sad I give them some comfort, I don't like distracting them with a toy. A good hug and a chance to get through the event is far better. If the child is throwing a tantrum, I stay nearby but won't interfere unless the child is in danger of hurting themselves. Depending on the child/situation, I'll talk to them or do something they enjoy nearby, so that they may join me when they're feeling better, but I don't attempt to manage their emotions for them, and certainly wouldn't reward a tantrum with a treat.

[stavridis]

[Lorina]

I was referring to distracting a child during a tantrum:

Dealing With Tantrums

Sometimes a child’s feelings get more and more out of control until he gets into a proper ‘boil over’ tantrum. If you know the signs, step in first with whatever you know helps your child eg relaxation, distraction, talking about his frustration. - University Of Sydney

A good tip is to distract your child by giving them something else to do - Toddler Tantrum Kit Community NSW

Many children have difficulty stopping tantrums on their own. It is therefore preferable to redirect and distract children by providing an alternative activity on which to focus. The child may benefit from being removed physically from the situation. - Merck Sharp

Planning ahead will help keep tantrums from happening too often. Take into account your child’s needs as well as your own. Distract them — ‘Look what I’ve got here’. - Parent Link ACT

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with using distraction as a method to try and support the child to regain and take control of themselves during a tantrum. When a child is having a tantrum they are not going to be listening or hearing you, the only focus will be venting their frustration through the tantrum. Yes, a rattle in the child's face or singing a song will be completely annoying that's why you can take them out of the current environment to help calm them down. Once the child has calm down you can support the child by identifying their feelings and talking about the tantrum episode etc.

I am just sharing what works for me as an educator and a parent of a toddler.

,
Lorina

[stavridis]

I would have agreed with you over a year ago but ever since our service has undertaken " circle of security" training with Dr Robyn Dolby as well as numerous RIE workshops we have noticed the results . There is no purpose for distraction apart from a "quick fix" and we look beyond that and have a goal for the future.
Our children need guidance to be able to regulate their feelings and it starts with babies .
We need to create authentic relationships and acknlowde their feelings not distract them from it because that emotion will be unresolved and always resurface.
I agree with you about planning ahead and the children with " big emotions" need us more and need a plan.
The only time we step in is if a child is hurting another or themselves.
Children learn so much from conflict and we don't always need to "rescue" them but just need us to acknowledge their feelings.
If you think the child is not listening can't you just tell them you can hear them and are there for them then revisit it when they have calmed down?
Doing " circle of security " has helped us all and is awesome when the whole team is onboard . That has worked for us

[Lorina]

Circle of security... Sounds interesting. It's definetly seems like this is working for you and your centre. Would you be able to provide a few more practical examples so I can understand it a bit more.... So, if a child has a tantrum, how would you deal with it? Do you just let them have their tantrum? How about a child who has just begun and is screaming for their mom? Usually you'd comfort them and distract them through an experience or read a story to calm them down.... How does this work for you and your centre? It's always interesting to learn different methods that other educators try and I'm interested in knowing more...

,
Lorina

[Janiedaniel]

hii everyone , Its nature to throw tantrum if he is frustrated , you only need to take care of him and do things to delight his mood ,something entertaining may help alot.

Yes, it is very common for young children to throw tantrums. It's there way of saying that they are angry/frustrated. Since they can't use words to express how they feel, they result to tantrums. If you feel a tantrum coming on, the best thing to do is try and divert their attention to try and stop it. You'll notice the signs such as whinging, saying "no", begin to cry... Take the child out of the current environment and try to distract them. If you're inside take the child outside, look at the clouds find some birds etc, This may help stop the tantrum from occurring in the first place.

,
Lorina

Yes lorina you are absoulutly right we must focus on the things that changes the child's mood that time because he can't express about his mood in words , so its you who needs to take right actions that time.

[stavridis]

Its very hard to explain in a short time. This was a eight week course done in weekly meetings that all Educators did the training on. The main principle is that we provide children with a " circle of security".
Imagine a circle and on one end we are the hands to be the secure base to " fill the children up ". When children are emotionally filled they can go off to explore but we show them how to come back to us when they need " refueling ".
This is done throughout the entire day with "circle of security" games in everyday interactions and routine times.
In difficult situations with children we must be in tune with our emotions. Children can read us so we present a " good face"... Friendly and welcoming .
Robyn Dolby says " behaviors are just feelings we need to hear. What are they ( children really trying to tell us?
If a child was screaming for mum for example we would state what we see ."I can see you miss mum" " it's hard to say goodbye to mum/ Dad" " I will keep you safe and take charge until mum/ Dad come back"
We would stay with them and offer comfort and then depending on the child may look at some family photos or whatever to bridge the gap and acknowledged they miss their mum or Dad but never distract until they are ready .
If a child is very agitated / loud or angry we might say " I can hear you are angry/ upset/ frustrated. I can help you.
I strongly recommend looking into this training as it gives you a better understanding of emotional develop and practical strategies and dialogue to use.
http://www.circleofsecurity.net

[stavridis]

The Circle of Security - Early Childhood Australia
www.earlychildhoodaustralia.org.au/.../

[Lorina]

Thanks for the links! I'll have a read through it over the next couple of days. If I have any more questions I'm going to ask you though, since you're my go to person for this!

,
Lorina