Separation Anxiety

[Laiorwyn]

I have a 2.5 year old girl that's just started with two problems - Her mum stresses out a LOT about leaving them, and only leaves them for 2 hours at a time. Normally, the girl is ok, but last time A was here she became so anxious that she made herself vomit.
She's been coming for 2 days a week for 3 weeks now and has had trouble in Long Day Care previously.
At the time, I wasn't sure if it was anxiety, but having observed her since I believe it is.

I've never had a child with such an extreme case, and want to know what methods you've used. I've asked mum for pictures of the family, so i could make a book for A, but I haven't recieved it yet.

Also, mum can't sneak out when A is happily engaged in an activity, as I need to lock the door behind parents as they leave. This means that mum and dad leaving is a very obvious event.

[linsaa fdc]

Hi Laiorwyn,
Hope you are coping ok.
I always get a family to come for a couple of play visits before they start care. If I see that the child is anxious or there may be some separation difficulty I get the family to come for as many play visits as I feel necessary. Like I say to new families, it doesn't have to be for a long time I just want myself and my environment to be familiar to the child. Some children after the first visit scream and don't want to go home and they will be ok to start, some for the first couple of visits just sit on Mum's lap but eventually they feel safe enough to hop down and explore. I am using this same technique with a new family. His 3rd visit was last week and it was the first time he left his mum and came to me and we had a cuddle. This of coarse doesn't help you now.
I also never let a parent sneak out no matter how upset the child might get. With ones that might get upset on a particular day, I pick the child up, we say goodbye to the Mum together and I tell them Mummy is coming back and at least they know they can turn their backs without mum disappearing. You might find that is causing more distress. Also what are the parents saying to the child? I found out once after wreaking my brain trying to figure out what the problem might be that Mum was telling the child that she was going to do the shopping with the baby brother, in the car before she came in. So of coarse she walked in with the child already screaming because he didn't want to miss out. Is he being told "its ok, you'll be ok" making him think there is something to be worried about, rather than "have a fantastic day and we will be back here at 4pm, bye".
Hope you get it sorted soon
linsaa fdc

[Lorina]

Hi Laiorwyn,

Separtion Anxiety is a hard issue to deal with. However with time and patience it does resolve itself and the child does settle down (parent as well ). During this time, I know it can be hard to handle. Child always crying, calling out for their mum it can be heart breaking to watch. Each individual child differs in how long it takes them to settle down but usually within a couple of weeks.

In your case, since the mum is just as anxious, the child can be picking up on it which makes the separation anxiety even worse. One way to make the transition smoother is to have a constant routine in the morning for both the parent and child. When they come in, the child hangs their bag, parent helps them to choose an activity, says goodbye with a quick kiss and a hug and then leaves. The whole drop off routine shouldn't take more than 10 minutes. It hass to be quick. The more the parent lingers around the more aprehensive the child would be knowing that mum is going to go soon.

Maybe you could also suggest to the mum, to give the child something that belongs to her that the child could hold onto throughout the day until she comes back to pick her up. It could a scarf, a bangle, a stuffed teddy...anything...

On a personal note - ive currently been lookin at preschools for my toddler next year and I'm anxious about her being away from me for the first time. I know that she will be fine but it's those first few weeks until she settles in. Now that I'm a mother I completely understand where parents are coming from. I've been in childcare for 10 years and supporting parents cope with separation anxiety and now I guess it's my turn as the parent. Argh!

It wil take time but it will get easier,

,
Lorina

[Laiorwyn]

Thanks, I'll try that. As I said, usually she's fine, but I think the combination of the very very short days, mums stress about leaving and fear of her children getting upset is all adding up to make it harder for the children to get used to it. I look forward to when I have a nice long day with the kids. At the moment it's hard because I can't establish much of a routine with them.

[stavridis]

At our center we found having primary care groups works well. We try to as hard as we can to have the same educators there to greet their children.
When shifts change we email families so they know who will be there and they can talk to their children before they arrive. "Mary will be waiting for you at ( name of center) and she will keep you safe till mum returns .
We have set educators in set "play spaces" waiting for the children and that dose not change to offer security and consistency .
We have emailed parents at enrollment and have asked them to participate in a dialogue we use at drop off times and never sneak out.
Parents are asked to take their children( all ages) to an educator and ask them " will you take care of Mary till I come back".
This tells us they are ready to leave and we reply " yes I will take care of Mary till you come back" and then take charge.
This constant clear and respectful dialogue works very well along with all staff doing " circle of security training "

[Laiorwyn]

I think everyone misunderstood what I meant by "sneak out".

What I like parents to do is a quick chat to me to let me know how the childs routine went in the morning/how the weekend went, then to say goodbye and give a kiss and go.

This mum says goodbye, goes to the door, then comes back, says mummy's going now, goes to the door, comes back, picks her kids up or fusses over them (tidy hair, adjust clothes etc) then says goodbye again, then goes to door, comes back, asks the kids what they want to do while they're here, settles them at an activity, sits for 5-10 minutes, says goodbye, goes to the door, comes back etc.
Her fretting eventually becomes so disruptive to the other children and to her own that all the kids are standing at the door crying for their mums, Or simply crying because everyone else is. That's what happened last time A was here. I have told mum a few times not to worry, I'll let her know how the kids go and to relax and have a good day, come back early so she can play with the kids before she planned to pick them up, but she doesn't understand yet.

Compared with what she does, an ideal drop off is "sneaking out".

[Laiorwyn]

BTW, Stavridis, it sounds like you've got an excellent centre! I love how organised they sound!

[stavridis]

I have very fortunate that all educators are on board and practice our philosophy .
If this was a situation where I was the director would have a meeting with this parent and come up with a plan to help both mum and child have a successful separation.
This goes back to our philosophy and explain to parents why educators are doing what they do with backed up literature that supports separation anxiety . Eg " circle of security" " play spaces" , primary care giving groups and consistent clear dialogue at drop offs.

[Laiorwyn]

I'll have to have a sit down with mum. I've found a couple of articles about handling separation anxiety and transitioning into care. If she can learn to cope now, then her kids will be so much better off later on when changes happen, like school.

[stavridis]

If you are on face book like Janet Lansbury and RIE sites that also offer great articles to share with parents/staff
Good luck

[linsaa fdc]

That's a good idea Laiorwyn.
If it doesn't muck up your day too much why don't you ask Mum to come on a day she doesn't work and bring the children. She can sit and play with them and the two of you can talk, that way she won't be stressing with the thought that she still has to leave. You have probably tried everything but have you tried sending photos of the child to Mum during the day? I didn't write that earlier. When I have an anxious new parent I'll send them a photo as soon as they leave so they can see the child is happy and then periodically during the day. When they are happy eating, sleeping, playing. When the parent is ok, then I change to emailing them photos at the end of the day on the Reflections of the day template.
You have a tough one on your hands.
Hope it goes well for you.
Linsaa fdc

[Laiorwyn]

She's sat with them here 3 times, had photos sent to her, a phone call with A and dropped in unexpectedly during their short visits only to go again (generally 5 minutes after they're settled...) . I've invited her to join my face book group so she can observe the updates and see the articles I've shared but hasn't joined yet. Which is weird considering how involved she has been. I'm looking forward to when she eventually relaxes because I think she and her kids will benefit greatly from it, and she's a lovely person.

[linsaa fdc]

You really have a situation on your hands. It's easier dealing with the children's issues than the parents.
You have done everything I would have done.
This might sound harsh, but, I would ask the mother if she is happy with your service, maybe she might be happier elsewhere.
If that is the case its best if she moves on, if she replies that she is happy, then you are going to have to have a really serious conversation with her.
When we care for children in our home its really important for work to go as smoothly as possible because we can't escape it and we have other children as well and it might be upsetting them also.
When we close the door at the end of our day we are still at work.
Remember to take care of yourself first we are no help to anyone if we get worn out and run down because of an upsetting situation.

linsaa fdc

[Lorina]

This mum says goodbye, goes to the door, then comes back, says mummy's going now, goes to the door, comes back, picks her kids up or fusses over them (tidy hair, adjust clothes etc) then says goodbye again, then goes to door, comes back, asks the kids what they want to do while they're here, settles them at an activity, sits for 5-10 minutes, says goodbye, goes to the door, comes back etc.

My goodness! This is a little much for the child as well as you to handle. The parent is making it worse for herself and the children by coming and going. It sounds like she is having the separation anxiety from her kids. Maybe you can tell the mother you will ring her within an hour to let her know how her children are. You can also suggest that she can call you whenever she feels it's necessary. I've had parents ring up 5 or more times during the day to see how their child has settled. It doesn't bother me at all and its nice to build that relationship with the child's parent. Only a quick 2 minute conversation is reassuring for the parent just to let them know how things are going....

,
Lorina

[Laiorwyn]

Unfortunately, Mum decided to pull her children out. She wants to continue with occasional care, but I think it was all too much for her. They only had two days where she actually left the children out of four weeks here.

[linsaa fdc]

Hopefully you will be able to replace the family and another soon. Sometimes we don't realize how much of a toll it takes on us till they move on.
All the best
Linsaa fdc

[Laiorwyn]

Absolutely! From the moment you first meet them you're looking for ways to help them and teach them, and when their biggest problem is the one you can't help with it gets very frustrating!

[Lorina]

Maybe this family wasn't ready to start full time care. It didn't seem like mum was ready to let go... You seriously did everything you could but maybe the time wasn't right for this particular family... Who knows in another year or so mum could be more prepared. It's a hard situation for you as an educator and as the parent...

,
Lorina